still and always alone

dear blog diary
i just want to post something on the spur of the moment. i know it won't make sense to most people; it doesn't even rhyme right, for crying out loud, but its still the most honest thing i've ever written, and the witching hour seemed like the right time to put my soul online

STILL SO ALONE.........

i sit here now
an empty desk before me
empty thoughts, empty words
empty feelings flow through me
my eyes open, the mind stays closed
my fingers flex without feeling
i feel myself beginning to sink slowly
and then my mind starts reeling
at last i grasp the implication
of what i suspected for so long
i live outside my own body
my life is not where i belong
i wish i was normal,like everyone else
i wish i didn't think so much,that i could be happy to be blind
i wish i could choose not to see what repels me
i wish i could be blank inside my own mind
i used to think i was lucky,to see things from a higher place
now my tower is an island fortress, with only me inside
i look for the people who might have lived here once,or might want to
i search,i probe,plead to Fate to take my loneliness on a joyride
i try to be happy that i'm so alone, that i speak in a code language
with only one existing key,that i hold, alone by default
but i need someone,anyone,to say they know how i think,why i feel,how i act
why my guilt brings me to my knees at an abrupt halt
i've almost given up waiting to find someone like me
almost surrendered,but not quite
maybe if i hide myself behind me for a little longer
one day i'll find the light
and so my mind goes blank and my conscience switches off again
my fingers uncurl themselves,my eyes stare sightlessly
my mouth feels numb, like there's no more to say
and then - my ghosts resurface remorselessly