oh boy, its 4:42 pm, and what a miserable day it is.............cloudy and dank and rather defeatist, just like my feelings towards my exams. although if the past year has taught me anything, its that i can do no better than to always focus on the positive (but then i have had an extraordinarily successful year in 2007-08 by my standards - no suicidal depression in the winter months for the first time since i was nine years old, and a lot of things received, achieved, and believed). there are always reasons to be miserable - i tend to indulge in frequent bouts of intense self-pity, punctuated by occasional euphoric outbursts triggered by elation, paranoia, apprehension or all three - and of course there are the predictable moodswings that follow the trend of the lunar cycle, of all things............but funnily enough, for the first time last year, all that ***t didn't happen. i don't know what it was, maybe the relief of handling easy subjects (for me), the creative scope i got to do stuff; write, act, speak, maybe the fact that after being put in charge of some projects at school (for whatever reason) i learned to handle authority for the first time, maybe because i was so busy and so tired and worn out all the time i didn't have a chance to introspect too much, maybe a combination of all of this - but for the first time i truly shrugged off the pressure of expectations, in the way i promised myself since i turned thirteen. after hitting the teens, i've always stuck to the principle that you shouldn't care about what others think of you if you want to keep your sanity and self-respect alive and in good working order. but there was always a sense of playing to the footlights, like i wouldn't dare to be me, to stand out there and rip off the disguise and show people "this is me, whole and true" for fear of what they might think of me............that paralyzing self-doubt, the fear of not being good enough, being laughed at and mocked, always just under the surface, always on the guard, waiting for something to rip the carpet out from under my feet.
but this year.....oh, this year i achieved the right things at the right time, with the right attitude as a side bonus, and then i picked up momentum, and before i knew it insecurity and fear were going out the window and courage and success and the sweet, sweet feeling of not giving a damn took their place. and i'm happy, goddammit, and proud of it! a monumental achievement of mine, this being happy....because as always no-one is better than me at dragging me down, especially whenever i get close to the top.........weird thing to write, isn't it....."today i didn't make me unhappy" ....but so new, so wonderful, so addictive a feeling for me, i can't get enough of it.
even the rain can't make me sad! i love the chill wind on my skin, and the faint smell of wet earth that you get in the suburbs, and the grey sky makes me all dreamy and makes me wonder about the steel fortress of the clouds...............
i have uptil the 3rd of march to live with the pressure of exams. after that i'm free...but this is a weak bondage anyway.
i have a good life. a good family, the finer things of life, good friends, a shelf on the wall with a lot of glass and metal on it, a lot of ambitions, my health, even potential for a "soulmate" (though i doubt it - big deal anyway) and a crazy imagination that is the most vital part of me.
when i write this, i almost can't recognize myself from even a year ago. it seems like someone else, someone who's not insecure and sullen, resentful and introverted anymore. all that i replaced with layers of self-confidence (ok, let's be honest-arrogance, but who cares) and an inches thick layer of immunity to negative vibes (very essential). my friends think i've grown more caring and comforting though. looks like security breeds empathy.
this blog is going to sound insane to anyone who doesn't know me. so what, i'm still gonna post it to prove i'm real.
this is basically a declaration of independence from me to myself.
i may be crazy/but it's working for me baby/and oneday it might work for you too/and if you're the only reason/that i'm supposed to stick around/then i might as well be done with you
peace out. goodnight, world
3 comments:
linkin park-"i wanna heal......something real" "find myself today"
lotsofluv. keep writing and pour it out.
Peace out.
Well said, well done. Keep the momentum going :)
So glad you gals are SO MUCH more alive than I was at this stage! Man, me in class 11 was ... an asshole.
Okay, I'm not your grandma. I should shut up now.
Well your poems are defeatist, but they apply to you in a genuine kind of way. As for the blog at 4:42p.m , I need not comment on what I have been a witness of throughout the last year. One does not comment on the obvious.
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